She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
