when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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