I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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