So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
