Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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