I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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