YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
