My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
