you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
