Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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