I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
