I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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