At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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