dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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