I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
