i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize