mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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