dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
