She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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