you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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