You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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