My Higher Power is John Stamos
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
