I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
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