We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
handjob tips. give me some.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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