i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
