Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize