i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
