My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
