wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize