What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
