then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
