so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
