Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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