How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize