I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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