my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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