I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
