haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
