i don't like sucking hair
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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