Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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