i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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