forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I still have a little drunk in my system
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
