My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's never too late to be topless.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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