Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
