i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
