Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
