Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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