Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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