I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
