and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
