Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
