I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
