if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
