i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize