....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
