people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
