I can feel you judging me through the phone.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
