I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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