lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
