Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Pooping to opera.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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