I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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