I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
