I think I can smell my own vagina right now
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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