At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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