I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
