Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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