my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
